J.A.L.S. - Just Another Lost Soul

The Concept of Suicide

Cil — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:55:10 +0000

My former basketball coach passed away earlier this week. In the 25 years I have been alive, this is the first death of someone I know and care about.

When I was first informed by his close friend, I wasn’t really sure what to make of it. I don’t know if it was because I have been out of touch with him for a few years or because I was so far removed from the situation geographically, or perhaps I was simply in shock.

Now I’ve had a few days to think about it. The classic cycle of grief is taking over. The initial shock and denial, the anger and guilt that I haven’t been there for him, and tears over the loss. All the stages melt into one, with my head all over the place over something I thought I could just simply accept and get over.

He suffers from depression and I think he killed himself. Part of me thinks that this has been a tragic loss to his friends, family, and the world, but another part of me understands the relief from the burden of depression. So I cry, shedding tears in confusion, wondering if I am crying because he is gone and I never got to know him very well, or if I have lost my compassion over the years as a human and could have done just a little bit more to help, or if I actaully condone his actions and that perhaps one day I will follow a similar fate.

The Answer, Part 5

Cil — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:45:00 +0000

One week on, I have reached an answer to the question, yet it is not the enlightening conclusion I had hoped for. I have familiarised myself with my strengths and weaknesses, but what should I do with the information? Perhaps, like the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, I have been patiently waiting for the answer to the wrong question.

It hasn’t been a completely futile exercise. I have re-acquainted myself with some of the good qualities I do possess, and hopefully the next time I am feeling a bit low about myself I can revisit this and see what great characteristics I do have, and perhaps even conclude what bad characteristics I have got rid of.

The next big question to tackle is probably “who do I want to be” and slowly reconcile the differences to evolve from my present self to the ideal future self. But as much as I love self improvement and have the logical capabilities to see this through, will my lack of patience, forgetfulness, and short attention span result in a failure to follow through? How can I bring my ability to learn and adapt quickly, my love for technology, and my sense of adventure to the table to solve this problem with persistence? Will I be able to transform myself from a talker to a doer?

The Russian Dolls problem re-emeged, with more and more layers revealing themselves as I try to dig deeper. But I’ll find my true self in the end.

The Answer, Part 4

Cil — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:31:43 +0000

Enough philosophical B.S., circular logic, and most of all procrastination. I can reason only for so long before I lose interest entirely. Without further ado, here is who am I in succinctly glorious and gritty details:

Logical: love spreadsheet, processes, and jigsaw puzzles

Impatient: want things straight away; can never teach

Forgetful: forget facts easily; can never remember movie plotlines

Techie: love computers and electronic gadgets

Shy: find it challenging to make new friends: a very private person

Daughter: the only child, could probably make greater effort to keep in touch

Friend: loyal but lacking the will to keep in touch lately

Girlfriend: love and dedication to her one and only

Bad listener: zone out when conversation topic is uninteresting

Undisciplined: always want to improve oneself (learn Spanish, improve Chinese, program in SQL, learn to sew, etc.) but never follow through

Foodie: love to eat, but sometimes more as a result of unhealthy obsession with food

Adventurous: love to explore new cultures and food

Naive: cannot handle conflicts or ambiguity; afraid of being wrong

Bipolar or depressed: gets really upset about life, mostly over what I lack in personality

Quick Learner: can pick up and improve on tasks quickly

Friendly: always availabe with a smile for those who need me

Critical: of self in general, and of others in their knowledge and ability

Control Freak: cannot delegate or relinquish control

Trustworthy: will never give away a secret

Devil’s Advocate / Impartial Judge: always try to get all sides of the story

Rational / Indecisive: always want to gather all the facts before making a decision; not impulsive

Complainer: whinge, moan, and complain over the smallest thing, instead of sounding positive viewpoints

Tenacious Problem Solver: stubbornly persistent at researching an answer to any question or problem, until interest dissipates

Short Attention Span: require constant stimulation to keep entertained

A quick snapshot of who I am. Having gathered the raw data to my question, what do I do with them? Do I accept these as facts and adapt my surrounding to them — find a job that suit my skills and personalities? Develop the passion I already have instead of gaining new ones? Or do I want to improve myself? Eliminate my bad habits? If I know who am I, am I ready to find out who I want to be and accept the challenge of getting there?

The Answer, Part 3

Cil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:35:45 +0000

The mystery of solving “who am I” partly lies with the question “why am I asking.” By defining who I am, I can then compare my existing qualities against a model answer, an examplar of “me” that I hope to achieve. This implies that who I am is malleable, which makes sense to the extent that we pay the salaries of self-help authors and gurus. Our malleability is also exhibited when pushy parents enrol their children in private schools to get the best education money can afford, when we decide to go to university to equip ourselves with necessary skills for the workforce, or when we take evening courses to improve our language ability or take up a new hobby.

As humans, we are always on a quest to better ourselves. It may be obvious activities like learning new skills, but even seemingly destructive behaviours like eating unhealthy fast food can be viewed as one’s attempt to improve the allocation of time.

But our malleability is limited by the inherent self defined by nature and fate. One born without hands will never be an archer, and so one born without sufficient neurons or pssion for medicine would never be a doctor.

So assuming that I can evolve myself within limits, is the question “who do I want to be” more essential than “who am I”? I have been stuck for words in answering the “who am I” question, as I loathe to describe myself in black and white, perhaps in fear of finding a lot of things I wouldn’t like. Yet, if I don’t acknowledge my own strengths and shortcomings, can I evolve to who I want to be?

There is no doubt the two questions are inextricably linked to each other, as one relates to the present self and the other to the future self. If addressing these questions is an act of improving myself, then surely improvements can only be defined by naming the present characteristics and shortcomings that in fact can do with improvements.

Why am I going around in circles?

The Answer, Part 2

Cil — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 07:05:45 +0000

Couple of nights ago, Horizon on BBC featured the search of consciousness and the exploration of self. The researcher cum presenter remarked that the brain is constantly attempting to answer the question of “who am I” using all sensory information that it obtains and processes. The weary presenter concluded that our actions are determined by the neurons communicating with each other as a response to external stimuli, and consciousness of our decisions comes much later than our actions, as though our awareness is comparable to the puppet head of a nation who condones the state’s course of action, when in fact all crucial decisions are carried out in the statesroom long ago by a committee. Self-awareness is therefore a byproduct.

To analyse the self in the quest for an answer to “who am I” in a purely objective or scientific manner seems counterproductive. While I may lay blame on my neurons, which I seemingly have no conscious control over, for my unhappiness, I am still no closer to happiness. If anything, learned helplessness would only make matters worse.

With objective answers failing to reach any kind of resolution, navigating through subjectivity is the only option. The problem is, however, akin to a six-year-old roaming through Hamley’s for a mere 10 minutes and only given the choice of one toy. My mind doesn’t quite know where to begin, but then races through a million questions simultaneously before going blank from weariness.

To keep things in perspective though, I have more than 10 minutes to battle against this question which had no doubt haunted many philosophers through time. Perhaps a lifetime is the equivalent to a ten minute slot when measured against the age of the universe, but I nevertheless have my lifetime to seek the truth. Spending my lifetime on this quest seems like a perilous journey to madness, but that is a question to be contended with at a later time. And at least madness represents passion, which seems to be lacking from my life at the moment.)

The easiest way to get a subjective answer, surely, is to ask other subjects. The classic job interview question of “how would your friends/colleagues/neighbours describe you?” should do nicely, but the twofold problems of a) my inhibition of actually asking another subject for their opinions and b) others’ inhibition of actually telling me their true opinions limit the usefulness of this exercise. By not asking this question I will not get others’ false opinions, but making up my own answers pretending to be in someone else’s shoes also produce false answers, with the former bathed in more positive light than the latter.

Others might describe me as easy-going, very quiet, thorough with work, learn new things quickly, smart, and happy. On the other end of the scale, words like shy, unsocial, boring, and rude might crop up. For the sake of argument, if these words were actually used by my friends/colleagues/neighbours to describe me, are they right? Are these words to desribe me–my personality, my ego, and who I am–or are these words used to describe their observations of my external actions. My actions are inextricably linked to who I am, but what if they are not a true reflection of my persona? Or perhaps not to the persona that I would like to exhibit? Is this a conflict between who I am versus who I want to be?

The Answer, Part 1

Cil — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:20:20 +0000

The process of self identification is a painful journey. I would rather remain blissful by filling up my days with meaningless activities and unproductive processes than to delve into my psyche and face the daunting truth. Yet there is a part of me so dissatisfied and disappointed with who I am that I feel the bubbling urge to challenge myself, in hope that the process of identifying myself can dispel the self loathing and perhaps lead to acceptance.

The answer can take on so many levels. On the most superficial level, I can objectively describe myself. I am a female human. I am 25 years of age. I weigh 80 kilos. I am 5’6″ tall. I live in the United Kingdom. I was born in Hong Kong to Chinese parents. I grew up in San Francisco.

But with a twist, even objective answers can take on hidden meanings.

What if I described myself as a 25 year young girl instead of a 25 year old woman, or vice versa? Do I unconsciously view myself to be a vulnerable, immature being of this society who rely on those around me to get by, or am I an independent scholar whose needs and desires are fulfilled by overcoming challenges head on? Or perhaps somewhere in between?

What if I had described myself as mildly obese (which is objective in the eye of the scientific community) instead of curvy and bodilicious, or vice versa? Do I have a negative self-image and possess no self-confidence, or am I dillusional and in denial? Or perhaps somewhere in between?

What if I had desribed myself as a fearless globetrotter with the penchant for forging unique life experiences at every opportunity instead of an easy going vagabond drifting through life in a sea of negativity, or vice versa? Am I a pathological liar, or am I an optimistic pessimist? Or just somewhere in between?

The Question

Cil — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 06:31:57 +0000

The question can come in many guises: tell me about yourself; where are you from; what do you do for fun. The question can come during any situation: a seminar hosted by the Asian American club in university; a car boot sale as the friendly salesman try to build up rapport; at a job interview where the employer tries to find the right person for its vacant role. The question can have different purposes: to break the ice; to fill the silence; to find your soul mate; to empower oneself.

The question is so simplistic in words and yet can be so complex in its implications. Is the question being posed to sincerely build a relationship, or is it an insincere attempt at rapport? Does the question serve as a reminder to connect with one’s heritage, or does it serve as an excuse to incite hatred and racism? Is the question meant to address the curiosity of others, or is it a question to guide one’s ambitions.

So, who am I? A question that evokes more questions, like Russian Dolls. How do I answer the question meaningfully? What am I attempting to find out by asking or answering it? Where am I in life? What criteria do I use to define myself? What criteria can I use to define myself? When have I become who I am today? Is it the past, the present, or the future self that is most relevant in answering this question?

The question is so open-ended that it doesn’t even compare in complexity and meaning against the possibility of answers. I am only scrutinizing the question so I can delay the agonizing over the possible answers.

Priorities

Cil — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:24:48 +0000

My thoughts are all over the place at the moment. At any given second I am worrying about one too many things – reply to the IFA, book the hotel for the short break to Prague, write the reason why letters for investments made last week, portfolio critique, swimming, fighting yet another cold, getting new clothes that fit, balance my bank accounts, pay the bills, rebuild my savings, allocate investments to the far east, ISA subscriptions for the over 50s, redo my CV, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, wash myself, load my MP3 player, read books for fun, learn to drive, and on and on.

This is the first time in my 25 years where a lack of time is a real issue. I have too much tasks, many of which are petty but necessary, at work and at home and I am not using my time efficiently enough to complete the tasks that do lead to fulfilment.

Cold or no cold, I am on a mission this week to learn about time management, task priorities, and organisation tricks to live a healthier and happier life.

Youth is Wasted on the Young

Cil — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:39:51 +0000

The classic cycle of grief. It wasn’t regret after all. It was grief over the loss of my confidence, my enthusiasm, and my youth.

I have spent all these weeks and months sulking, beating myself up over minute details and destroying any spark I had that had made me shine. I have replaced my confidence with dreadful shyness, stutters, and misery.

For goodness sake, I am 25. Why am I spending so much time worrying? I am only 25, what is it that I have to worry about? I have the excuse of naivety on my side, so act a bit naively and enjoy the mid-20s while I am still able, both mentally and physically.

As George Bernard Shaw, youth is wasted on the young. This is supposedly the best years of my life–old enough to do anything yet young enough to afford any mistakes. Do I really want to look back on the best years of my life and see that I had let it all slipped away?

Griefing over My “Loss”

Cil — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 06:38:41 +0000

Denial: I knew I disliked my job but I never bothered to pinpoint why. Perhaps if I didn’t focus on the problem too much, it’ll eventually resolve itself.

Anger: It’s not me; it’s the boss / management / company. My boss isn’t equipped with the skills to manage tricky talent like me. The management is still stuck in their early 90s ideals. The company doesn’t foster the right opportunities for young recruits. Maybe it’s me too; I am angry with my shortcomings. Why didn’t I ask more questions, seek other’s opinions, or incite everyone about my future?

Bargaining: It’s a matter of paying my dues. I don’t have to like what I do, and the company will put me through all my professional studies. Once I get after the coveted qualification I will find my way out.

Depression: I have my qualification but I am still doing the same job as I was doing, with no progression in sight. It is me after all. I was too quiet. I wasn’t bold enough. I am not sociable enough. I can’t remember what someone look like after a meeting. I don’t have the right social skills to work. I am not talented. I have no hope of succeeding in life.

Acceptance: It may be me. I have shortcomings but I also have strengths. I just have to find the right job that will utilise my skills. It’s too late to blame me or anyone else for the last 3 years. I have to look forward for new opportunities and in the meantime live a happy life. I still have a lot of wonderful things in my life. I have been directionless and lost for the last 3 years, but there are many more years left to mend my ways.